MUSIC MON! CRASHER-VANIA INTO A CAT-FILLED "HOT COFFEE" MOD!

STARBOMB: CRASHER-VANIA!!

I love Game Grumps. I love Game Grumps so much that my best friend and I have matching Grump shirts. I currently am in position of the Jontron "Not So Grump" shirt and my best friend Zach is in possession of the Egoraptor"Hey I'm Grump" shirts. We have worn them almost every time we've hung out since we bought them. I am going to listen to Game Grumps after right this article, while I do dishes, because a) I don't particularly usually care about the actual gameplay but enjoy their commentary and b) I like listening to conversation/story-telling rather than music, most of the time.

The Game Grumps change, but they always stay the same.

And perhaps one of the brightest ideas they had was to collaborate on an album, combining the synthesized sensory pleasing music of Ninja Sex Party and the humorous quick tongue of Egoraptor, culminating in Star Bomb. Luigi's Ballad is probably Egoraptor's best animation, but I think a lot of people wanted to see Crasher-Vania receive the same treatment given how many comic adaptations I've seen of it. It is a little Monster Mash and a little rock & roll and I love it.

Check out the original comic for all the details on imgur.

JUST COFEE: AYSSNTITTAYS (ANGRY JOE "ASS & TITTIES" PARODY)

Sometimes...

You just gotta dance, smile, and sing ironically about the two parts of the human anatomy most objectified in soft-core pornographic video game content.

In all seriousness though, I tend to be repelled by PG-13 "t & a" content that is jammed into popular culture to try and catch the demographic (that includes myself). For example, Megan Fox wearing little booty shorts while she works on motorcycles in Transformers 2-- sure, she is hot, but the titillation serves no purpose other than to pad the movie out with ass and get dudebros to break the pause button on their DVD players and, ultimately, it takes me out of the movie because no one is dumb enough to wear booty shorts while working on motorcycles on black top on a sunny day. That's just begging for a grease burn.

On a side rant, I hate Transformers 2. It is a film I have never managed to watch in it's entirety because it ranks as a 0/5 on my scale due to its terrible pacing of fight scene followed by dumb humor scene with hyoomans followed by fight scene, the fight scenes that shove the camera right into the anus of the robots, and more soft racist humor than a Jeff Dunham puppet show. Michael Bay ruined Transformers. Next, he is going to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Damnit Hasbro.

But don't think I'm a total prude: I think sexual content is fine in the right context. It can be used humorously, it can be used to inform the setting, it can be used to characterize someone, it can be used to push the story forward and it can be used any many other ways that fit the story. I just hate when a film interrupts the story for a little pornographic content.

It is 2014. If the audience wanted to watch porn, they'd be watching porn on the internet that would make a Roman emperor blush at the amount of content available to anyone's specific tastes and preferences. If the audience wants to watch a film, they're not gonna whip it out in the middle of the movie theater because they didn't come their to whack it. They came their to be entertained or to experience art. End rant.

CAT SONG (ADHD)

Let's end this Musical Monday on a positive note:

I'm not a cat person. I don't have any cat-like qualities. I've never owned a cat. I will probably never own a cat. I'm allergic to cats.

But...

While I don't particularly like cats, I have met some cats that I like & some of my best friends are cat people.

So, I can appreciate the insane obsession of millions of feline-fanatical cat worshipers as they mindless slam their flat faces into their screens in joy at the sight of every cute, funny, weird, dumb, and/or ordinary cat.

There. You happy? I'm glad to be back.

WORD OF THE DAY! 10/4/13!

cat burglar [kat-bur-gler]
noun
1. A burglar who breaks into buildings by climbing through upstairs windows, across roofs, etc., especially with great stealth and agility.

EX. After watching the entirety of the Batman the Animated series, I still find the DC Universe's greatest cat burglar to be, at best, a somewhat odd and selfish, self-righteous vigilante/crook and, at worst, a complete crazy catlady.

Also, sometimes I need to take a knock at cats. Between T.S. Eliot, Broadway, & the Internet, we've put them up on a pedestal. THIS (below) is how we used to treat our feline villains (and now I don't mean you should hit your cat, pretty much ever, take a joke(pretty sure it's a puppet)).

WORD OF THE DAY! 4/18/13!

SOURCE

cat lady [kat-lehy-dee]

noun

1. A stereotypically single woman who dotes on her cats. Usually a pejorative, this used to emphasize someone who has an unusual relationship with or an unusual amount of cats (often combined with adjective "crazy").

EX. Meeyowza! I always new Cat Woman was a real Cat Lady. Look at all the cartoon cats? What? No Heathcliff?

WTF WORD OF THE DAY! 3/2/13!

flap jack [flap-jak]
noun
1. A hotcake or pancake.

EX. I could probably do a long-winded discussion about the horror of puppetry that was Salem the Cat on Melissa Joan Hart's television show...?(I mean I guess it was a show) Sabrina the Teenage Witch OR I could do something about the canceled Cartoon Network cartoon oddity that was The Misadventures of Flapjack, but instead I'm going to do nothing helpful or really educate you on anything flap jack related. Instead, I'm gonna share an adult with an amusing voice getting angry that his cat won't eat a disturbingly cute stack of kitty-sized pancakes.

BREAKFAST WITH SUSHI

Think Garfield but maybe funny and from the depths of Hell? Also, he was probably a Nazi at some point.

WORD OF THE DAY! 12/11/12.

cheeseburger [cheez-bur-ger]
noun
1. A hamburger cooked with a piece of cheese on top of it.

EX. Uh oh. Looks like Bat Cat got out of his carrier, turned into a tabby, and ate all the cheeseburgers. It may not be the cheeseburgers he deserved, but they were the cheeseburgers he needed.

MIXED BAG. POETRY JAM #5

It's been a while since I shared any of my poetry and, since I just wrote a sonnet assignment for my Forms of Poetry course (yes, I know I'm a Creative Writing major with a focus toward Fiction) and I think the poem is amusing enough to share on her. To check out some of my other poems, hit the links at the bottom.

A Sonnet about a Horse

 By Sean Barnes

“Here ye, here ye! Calling all beasts and birds!

I am the Unicorn. I am, therefore,

Unique.” The beast said, in Englishman’s words,

“Henceforth, I am the King of the Forest!”

Such a decree, to not just birds but beasts,

Meant nothing. But he was proud to speak it.

He planned to plan royal trots, naps, and feasts,

“Such fools! None deny my claims! I’m legit!”

‘Twas true except one beast did not submit—

A young man stepped out from between the trees,

Then grabbed the King’s horn tight and detached it,

“You are but a horse without one of these!”

And as the man held the horn in his fist

The hornless Unicorn ceased to exist. 

WEEKLY ROUND-UP! 9/10-9/16/12.

WEEKLY ROUND-UP PRESENTS

GAMER CAT WEEK

7.WORD OF THE DAY. 9/14/12. Hobbledehoy.

Just curious (if anyone reads these), does anybody out there really like Slippy? I don't despise him and I can't imagine Starfox without him, but I'm just curious to know if he has any fans.

6. WTF WED! ZUBATS & CATS & RAPTORS, OH MY!

Last week's WTF Wednesday was a rather enjoyable hodgepodge of weirdery and I hope that you enjoyed it. Mmyes.

5. WORD OF THE DAY! 9/11/12. Handheld gaming.

I really need to get back to playing Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker some time...

4. WORD OF THE DAY! 9/12/12. Pulverize.

This last week I've been playing a lot of Banjo Kazooie. Any retro games you'd like to recommend?

3. MUSICAL MONDAY! JONTRON SCOOBSTEP MUSCLE MUSIC!

And I started the week with a trio of songs ranging from dubstep remix to insane human instruments.

2. WORD OF THE DAY. 9/15/12. Gremlin.

Few things are more entertaining than me sharing a terrifying experience from my childhood, right? Wait until I talk about the repeating nightmare where a mix of Child's Play and Star Fox ruins everything.

1. WORD OF THE DAY! 9/13/12. Cat-astrophe.

I don't have to apologize for anything...sometimes I just want to write something silly to get it out of my system.

WTF WEDNESDAY! ZUBATS & CATS & RAPTORS, OH MY!

WTF WEDNESDAY PRESENTS

ZUBATMAN: SUPERSONIC

Sometimes even WTF can't be contained to just one subject and, this week, I've got a three course meal of something new, something less than new, and something a little nostalgic.

First up, linked above, Zubatman: Supersonic, the follow-up to the Zubatman trailer, which I talked about on a very special WTF Wedndesday article a few weeks ago. This time we get to see Zubatman's special weapon in his war against crime. I can't wait to see what else we'll get from Terminal Montage in the near future.

PSYCHIC PEABLES'S CATS!

Oh Psychic Peables, how you push the boundaries of how insane flash animation can be and yet, how I oddly feel like I've been tricked by society into just wanting a hundred more videos about cats, in the way you animated them, for our enjoyment. I can almost certainly guarantee you internet famousness? But then again, that would be selling out, unless you wanna sell out, which is also a legitimate path. Anyways, to the people still reading this watch the video linked above...

THE CRITIC- JURASSIC PARK II

The Critic is probably one of the funnier animated sitcoms in a genre that, even to this day, is relatively unsuccessful-- unless your show creator is named Groening, McFarlane, or Judge-- and, like most series of the genre, has only survived fading into the ether through the aid of syndication, the internet, and Netflix. The Critic is special because, basically, it was Family Guy before Family Guy, and really is the show for anyone who finds Hollywood to be simultaneously amusing and abhorrent. I'd recommend you check it out.

And that's all folks.

WORD OF THE DAY! 4/2/12.

cowl [koul]
noun
1. A hooded garment, typically worn by monks.
2. The hood of such a garment.
3. Part of a garment that is draped to resemble a hood.

EX. The most iconic part of Batman's costume, which in itself is an ever-evolving classic that has a special place in popular art, is the cowl. Constructed of a hood, with two pointed ears on top, and a mask that hangs down over his face to his nose. Typically, at least in more recent comics and adaptation, the Dark Knight had smeared the same kind of eye-black that football players wear under their eyes to cut down on reflection of the sun. This helps to make his eyes pop out of the mask. In other version of the mask, Batman's eyes are completely obscured, or they are drawn as white space in the eyes holes.

Much like Superman's identity, which is covered by several different explanations that can be read in the link below, Batman's identity is protected by a small suspension of reality. It would make sense that a billionaire playboy would be easily recognizable...

WORD OF THE DAY! 12/9/11. Facade.

STUFF I THINK ABOUT! SOCKS 1

Enlightenment comes in many forms. Sometimes it comes in the form on apple striking your head, or tripping over a pokeball, or in the middle of bath (forcing you to leap up and run naked into the street yelling “EUREKA!”). Life is funniest when the jokes on everyone, but everyone thinks it’s funniest when the joke is on you. Mundaneness can illuminate the obvious but it takes a fire to illuminate the oblivious.  

I thought there were left socks. For as long as I understood the concept of socks and was old enough to put them on my feet, I have silently made a distinction between which socks, in a pair of socks, is the left and the right partner. Now, some of you might already be silently judging me for my foolishness but let’s break down my reasoning as a child.

The reasoning behind my logic was simple. I have a left hand and a right hand. I also have a left glove and a right glove. I have a left foot and right foot. I also have a left shoe and right shoe. It stands to reason, that they would design a sock for the left foot and a sock for the right foot. I internalized this decision, never sharing it with anyone because, to me, it seemed too mundane a think to mention. Furthermore, no one ever observed me looking at my socks to make the distinction. Even more so they could’ve noticed me take a sock off and put it on the other foot when I, foolishly mistaken, believed it to be on the wrong appendage. Perhaps it was my obsessive compulsive order or something else. Before I elaborate further on the “something else” I should probably explain how this epiphany came about.

It began during a lovely evening at the bonfire, celebrating the birthday of one of my lady friends, in a hundred degree weather. I was as jovial as jonquils as I threw conversation across the flickering of the pretty pyre and perpetrated small jest at those closest to me. I am not quite sure what the context of the conversation was, it could’ve very well been vulgar, and I made the statement, “It is like how you can never find the left socks you have lost in the wash.” Internally, this was a fine simile. Instead, it left my friends perplexed. I tried to explain the analogy, but was stopped. “There are no such things as left socks.” I stared at them, then at my feet, I had just put out a small grass fire with my custom leather Chucks and had been feeling victorious, yet as my foolishness was revealed I felt the sting of realization.

I wanted to stand up, toss my chair into the fire, then to rip the shoes of my feet and toss them in the fire, and then, delicately, to rip the socks from my feet and throw them at the heavens before running into the trees and howling a primordial howl of shame, confusion and, goats that I would trip over.

STUFF I THINK ABOUT! CATS 1. Ownership

You can own a dog. You cannot own a cat.

Theoretically, the cat is your own. You feed it, shelter it, groom it, love it and even care about it (though it rarely seems if they care about you in any real way). Yet, a cat was never your property and, if it so wishes will return to the ethereal mists of the cat’s private world and ultimately, get hit by a car. The cat is not your property.

In this way, a cat is like an Apple product you just brought from the Apple store (or anywhere, actually).

Theoretically, the Apple product is yours. You power it, you shelter it, you keep it clean, love it and even care about it (it is only a machine, alas). Yet, an Apple product was never your property, and if Apple so wishes, it will return to the futuristic depths from which it crept, where the geniuses roam. The Apple product is not your property.

This is why, while I can appreciate a cat or an i thing, I make it a rule to own neither.

MIXED BAG. POETRY JAM #1

As part of my goal to post at least two posts a day, I will be using a lot of mixed bag posts and do some more creative and random stuff. First, I'm posting a sample of my poetry that I wrote last Spring. I am an English/History double major and I love writing everything.

 I, CAT THE CONQUEROR

 By Sean Barnes

I, the Cheshire cat devour caged canaries-

In the night, I eat the baby's breath. Hush.

Death tastes like coddled cream. I eat too much.

So, sweet the sound of alley love. I blush.

I, Garfield in Sodom and Gomorrah-

Gluttonous. Never full. Purr.

Seconds, sevenths at dinner. I am no sinner.

I taw a fat puddy tat in the mirror!

I, the Catbus gobble little girls alive-

because I am not a robot. Myow.

Feels like drowning kittens in a bag, y'know?

The wet cat of infanticide. Can't take a joke?

I, Puss-in-Boots am a whoring troubadour-

clean as a politician. Meow.

I am going to run for President now.

Mouth! You talk and eat- and eat and talk, mouth!

I, Tom Cat will catch Jerry Mouse tomorrow-

Fast food, fast forward, fast damnation! Hiss.

French mice are filled with cowardice! Oui oui!

Bonjour! Monsieur Pussy Cat! Vis-à-vis!

The gilded cage of the canary taunted me so-

I was like Sylvester as I pounced. Gulp.

Her yellow feathers fell to the floor.

And so, Quoth the Canary, "Nevermore."