Friday, March 7, 2014

WORD OF THE DAY! 3/7/14!

ghosting [gohst-ing]
1. After Earth. The technique created by General Cypher Raige (seriously, with a cheesy sci-fi name like that was this written by a hackneyed version of Hideo Kojima) and adopted by the elite United Ranger Corps, commanded by Raige,  in order to suppress fear. The technique is used by Rangers to become invisible to the dangerous creatures they call the Ursa (seriously, they could look something like bears?) created by aliens (who are absent from the film) in order to hunt down and kill humans by smelling their fear through their pheromones (apparently, these aliens must be related to the aliens from Signs. Oh wait! M. Night Shyamalan directed this too, except it wasn't advertised because his name has become an indicator for trite, dumb, and poorly-produced story-telling).

Answer: That his father is obsessed with making him into an entertainment franchise despite his apparent lack enthusiasm, willingness, or likeability to participate.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

POKÉBLOG 2014 #1 TWITCH PLAYS & BEATS POKÉMON?!? / Twitch [twitch-tee-vee/twitch]
1. Website. Spinning off from, the service is a live-streaming video platform focused on video game and e-ports.

It began on February 12th, 2014. A Twitch stream of Pokémon Red was initiated with a rather unique premise: the game was controlled, not by the streamer, but by the audience. The viewers could input commands by simply typing them into the chat. The game would take in all the commands simultaneously. And thus, Twitch plays Pokémon began the seemingly impossible quest to reach the Elite Four and become the Pokémon champion. They completed their quest on Day 17 after 391 hours of game-play.
The chaotic nature of this process made it seem an impossible experiment with no outcome but pain and frustration. Here is a short list of obstacles and issues that can arise:

1. Getting from point A to point B can be challenging. The most obvious hurdle is not walking around in circles, but simply going to the right place can be a struggle. An early struggle was getting Pokémon to learn HMs. Without cooperation, it would be difficult to teach a Pokémon the HM you need to get past a tree or rock or swim  and, more often than not, you wind up with a bunch of Pokémon with HMs like Cut and Strength.

The biggest hurdles, pun intended, can simply be avoiding ledges that can set you back. It is also easy to get lost, if you don't know where to go, in caves. Yet, they got through Safari Zone, which has to be completed in a set amount of time or you're sent back to the start, and has to be completed to get through certain sections of the game. How? We'll get to that after we discuss the other obstacles.

2. The biggest element of the game at risk are your Pokémon. Teaching their Pokémon new moves was a small hurdle, but with big consequences. After all, a Pokémon that knows Cuts, Growl, Sand Attack, and Mist is pretty useless. I'm amazed they managed to evolve their Pokémon. But these are small struggles...

...compared to putting Pokémon in the PC and withdrawing the ones you need to make progress without a ton of grinding. The problem the PC presents is that, through the PC, you can release your Pokémon into the wild to never be seen again (unless they randomly return). Much like Ash abandoning his best Pokémon, the team had several purges including Charmeleon, Farfetch'd, Rattata, and many other Pokémon that they fans had come to love. In the end, it is amazing that they managed to have a team at all including useful Pokémon like frickin' Zapdos, Lapras, Nidoking, Venemoth, Pidgeot (who was with them since the start) and Omanyte. The latter was part of the another type of obstacle.

3. Wasting time was the biggest threat to completion of the game. Every moment of the game is agony when it would be so easy to do the right thing and the game instead is directed to go to the item menu and attempt to use a key item. This led to several memes, but none more prevalent or funny than...


Literal hours were wasted by the game being directed to look at the Helix Fossil, a key item that can be exchanged for an Omanyte on Cinnabar Island but is otherwise useless. Over time, the fans gave story reasons for things in the game and the core of the story was that Red was a cultist of the Church of Helix, a religion of chaos based around worshiping and consulting the Helix Fossil with the intention of releasing him to the world and fulfilling the prophecy of becoming the Pokémon champion.

The antagonistic premise to this goal was the Dome Fossil, which the fans decided represented order and democracy, and would lead to destruction. One event that was combined with it was the attempt of the players to evolve an Evee into anything but Flareon. Upon becoming Flareon, they forced into the PC as the false prophet.

There is so much more lore, but you can read that on Dorkly or watch it in one of the videos linked at the top.

The most controversial part of the experiment was when a new system was implemented: Anarchy/Democracy. The system allowed players to vote by entering Anarchy or Democracy. In Anarchy mode, the game used all commands at once, but in Democracy mode, the most entered commands were the ones that went through. This probably allowed for some of the more difficult sections of the game to get done and added a somewhat flawed but interesting extra dimension to this strange experiment in social gaming. Only time will tell how this experiment will effect of the future of live entertainment...

Until next time we have the memories.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


I unapologetically love Zach Snyder's Watchmen film. There, I said it.

The film is divisive amongst fans of the comics: purists really take it personally that he changed one element from the comic books despite the fact that other argue that this film is one of the purest and most accurate-to-the-source-material representations of a comic book in film history. Some people find the film to be long and boring or were disappointed they didn't change enough or that they took the in-comic comic out of the theatrical version, but other fans appreciate the project and believe it to be one of the best super hero films of all time.

I happen to be a member of the latter group of fans, but my love of this film isn't the reason I posted this cartoon. I posted it because "I'm not stuck on this blog with you, you readers are stuck in here with me!"

Or something to that effect.

What the eff is this? Jontron released two videos in the same month? What witchcraft is this? Perhaps, Jon was right. Perhaps, the Grumps was holding him back from his true potential and he needed to leave to give us the Jontron we deserve. Or perhaps I should just shut up and give a little blurb about the terrible, terrible, terribly film that Jontron shares in this video.

Foodfight was to be the big motion picture opus for Threshold Entertainment, a company later known for their mediocre Lego-related specials, that was set for theaters in 2003. The film's files were stolen, allegedly, and the film was pushed back to 2005, then 2007, before finally being auctioned off for a pittance in 2011 to make a 2012 limited release and then a pitiful place amongst the other failed projects haunting bargain bins across the world.

It stars Charlie Sheen, Wayne Brady, Hilary Duff, and so many other stars. It's also a horrible mess of a film with bad writing and it has some of the worst animation ever made. Putting it over the top from just bad to awful is the fact that it is a feature length advertisement for a variety of grocery store brands with a moral objection to generic brand (which they depict as, basically, Nazis). You want a film that has no merits. This is it.

And you can watch the whole film on youtube...right now. Click HERE.

Hoo boy! Bear with me on this one folks. The first episode isn't the best, but then again, who would expect the first episode of an Abridged series to be the best? Just keep watching and trust me that it gets better.

But what is the series about? Mystery Girlfriend X is a romantic comedy manga and anime series about a boy named Tsubaki and a girl named Urabe. The latter is a strange, quiet girl, who is handy with scissors and sleeps all day during class. Tsubaki somehow winds up tasting Urabe's drool and winds up really sick. Urabe shows up and reveals that he has "love sickness" and the only cure is... more drool. Urabe and Tsubaki then start a strange and often distant relationship with Tsubaki scared and intrigued by Urabe and Urabe seeming to have secret knowledge about the drool and the related events.

The anime is very popular.

Neither I or my friend Zach understand why this anime is popular or what it is about, but this is a very funny abridged series.


Tuesday, March 4, 2014

WORD OF THE DAY! 3/4/14!

Guardians of the Galaxy
1.  Marvel Comics. (Est. 1969) A team of super heroes that came together to confront and defeat the Badoon race trying to conquer the Earth's Solar System in the 31st Century on alternate timeline of Marvel Earth 691.
2. Marvel Comics. (Est. 2008) After the Phalanx Invasion of the Kree, they were a team of interstellar heroes brought together, by Star-Lord, to protect the galaxy and proactively seek out, contain, and stop threats rather than reacting to crises. This team is the basis for the upcoming 2014 film of the same name made by Marvel Studios and distributed by Walt Disney Studio Motion Pictures featuring Star-Lord, Gamora, Drax the Destroyer, Rocket Raccoon, and Groot.

 I love super hero movies.

Despite the fact that I'd say a little more than half of them are bland (Daredevil, 2003), plain bad (Hulk, 2003), hilariously bad (Spiderman 3, 2007), or proof that Hollywood is ran by a pack of rabid snake people (Catwoman, 2004), lately, especially at the hands of Marvel Studios under Disney, have made some of the funnest films of the last decade and best super hero films of all time. After they pulled off the Avengers, I came to trust Marvel Studios and believed they could pull off about any project they want.

And so, when they decided to pick one of their relatively unknown properties for adaptation into a major motion picture, even I admit that with all the trust they've built up with their blockbusters that it is difficult to NOT be skeptical. I mean... who are the Guardians of the Galaxy? I'm not a casual super hero fan; I own two long boxes of meticulously organized and packaged trade comics, a book shelf of graphic novels, and have two notebooks filled with my own super hero ideas for my own universe (a subject for another time). Yet, despite all of my knowledge, obscure and common, from reading Marvel encylopedia and fan sites, I knew next to nothing about the Guardians of the Galaxy, besides the fact they exist, when I saw the announcement for the film. I had heard of them, and Groot, and seen them in a cameo on a cartoon show. That was about it.

So, I did a minimal bit of research to have some reference of expectation and read all the little tidbits of news as they came out. I gotta say that, with every bit of news I heard about the film, the more excited I became about the film. Probably the most exciting to me was the casting news: Chris Pratt, Vin Diesel (a nerd who gets to live out his fantasies in Riddick), Zoe Saldana, Bradley Cooper, and Dave Bautista. It was interesting, but seemed spot on with the characters they were assigned...  Finally, a couple weeks ago, I heard the trailer was coming out and I lost my mind over the teaser shared the night before.

So, what do I think about the trailer? Let's just say:

I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing

The trailer builds tension with a generic opening: a roguish figure walks into some ancient vault or tomb and toward some ancient device floating on a column. He is interrupted from picking up the device by the sounds of weapons arming themselves and the operators of the weapons demand our hero identify himself. He tries to say, with all sincerity that he can muster, "Star-Lord."

And it falls flat. They have never heard of the "the legendary outlaw". Then, John C. Reily portraying an officer of the Nova Corps gives the audience a breakdown of a rag tag of relatively obscure super hero team unlike any introduced in film to date:

Drax's wife & family were killed (by Thanos) and he has been on a search for vengeance ever since. Played by Dave Batista of WWE fame, Drax is gonna be our mini-hulk berserker with knives and, buried underneath all that rage, is apparently a heart of gold (or so I've read).

Then we have Gamora, the last of the Zen Whoberi (a people wiped out by the Badoon) and a deadly assassin. Portrayed by Zoe Saldana (Star Trek & Avatar), this mean, green, killing machine is a sword-wielding badass and I can't wait to see her come up against the villainous Nebula (played by Karen Gillian of Doctor Who fame).

Now, we're talking, as we hit Rocket Raccoon (voiced by Bradley Cooper of The Hangover films) , originally a mentally uplifted racoon-like creature created to be a caretaker on a planet, Halfworld, populated by mentally ill citizens. As the planet's chief law officer, Rocket protected Halfworld from extraplanetary threats. In the 2008 version of the guardians, he is enlisted as a gifted weapons expert, military tactician, and a loyal friend to have in the battle against evil. He also has a special relationship with...

...Groot as motion-capped and voiced by Vinn Diesel. Like several characters of the Guardians team, he was originally conceived as an antagonist and was reborn dozens of times, before ultimately being an unlucky prisoner in Kree Space. Rocket freed him and the two became inseperable. Groot is probably the strangest and most powerful member of the group, being a space treeant that can absorb wood to grow and rebuild himself. He can also control trees, even use them as an army, is surprisingly resistant to fire, despite being made of incredibly durable wood, and has regenerate from nothing but a sprig at least three times. He is even a genius, actually have had the best education on his homeworld but, unfortunately, suffers from a speech impediment and can only say "I am Groot" with any number of inflections giving the phrase any number of meanings.

If they can sell America on a talking raccoon and tree man, Marvel will rock the box office.

Star-Lord or, by his earth name, Jason Quill (played by Chris Pratt of NBC's Parks & Recreation) is the leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy. He is a half-human half-alien hybrid from Earth that, after discovering his origins, wound up bouncing around the galaxy before eventually finding his destiny in using his charisma and combat skills to bring together the Guardians of the Galaxy. It will be interesting to see how this character is interpreted in the film and how he manages to bring his team together, but we can be sure that Pratt will have a lot of fun with the role.

All-in-all, despite 2014 being a year featuring X-Men, Captain America, TMNT, & Spiderman films, Guardians of the Galaxy is the super hero film I am most looking forward to for two reasons: it's different and it's familiar. It's different, because it is a new film franchise with a very different cast of characters and attitude that we haven't seen in a big budget super hero film, but it is familiar, because Marvel hit it out of the park with The Avengers. I hope you guys keep an eye out for this one, but I'm already sold.

Monday, March 3, 2014


I love Game Grumps. I love Game Grumps so much that my best friend and I have matching Grump shirts. I currently am in position of the Jontron "Not So Grump" shirt and my best friend Zach is in possession of the Egoraptor"Hey I'm Grump" shirts. We have worn them almost every time we've hung out since we bought them. I am going to listen to Game Grumps after right this article, while I do dishes, because a) I don't particularly usually care about the actual gameplay but enjoy their commentary and b) I like listening to conversation/story-telling rather than music, most of the time.

The Game Grumps change, but they always stay the same.

And perhaps one of the brightest ideas they had was to collaborate on an album, combining the synthesized sensory pleasing music of Ninja Sex Party and the humorous quick tongue of Egoraptor, culminating in Star Bomb. Luigi's Ballad is probably Egoraptor's best animation, but I think a lot of people wanted to see Crasher-Vania receive the same treatment given how many comic adaptations I've seen of it. It is a little Monster Mash and a little rock & roll and I love it.

Check out the original comic for all the details on imgur.


You just gotta dance, smile, and sing ironically about the two parts of the human anatomy most objectified in soft-core pornographic video game content.

In all seriousness though, I tend to be repelled by PG-13 "t & a" content that is jammed into popular culture to try and catch the demographic (that includes myself). For example, Megan Fox wearing little booty shorts while she works on motorcycles in Transformers 2-- sure, she is hot, but the titillation serves no purpose other than to pad the movie out with ass and get dudebros to break the pause button on their DVD players and, ultimately, it takes me out of the movie because no one is dumb enough to wear booty shorts while working on motorcycles on black top on a sunny day. That's just begging for a grease burn.

On a side rant, I hate Transformers 2. It is a film I have never managed to watch in it's entirety because it ranks as a 0/5 on my scale due to its terrible pacing of fight scene followed by dumb humor scene with hyoomans followed by fight scene, the fight scenes that shove the camera right into the anus of the robots, and more soft racist humor than a Jeff Dunham puppet show. Michael Bay ruined Transformers. Next, he is going to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Damnit Hasbro.

But don't think I'm a total prude: I think sexual content is fine in the right context. It can be used humorously, it can be used to inform the setting, it can be used to characterize someone, it can be used to push the story forward and it can be used any many other ways that fit the story. I just hate when a film interrupts the story for a little pornographic content.

It is 2014. If the audience wanted to watch porn, they'd be watching porn on the internet that would make a Roman emperor blush at the amount of content available to anyone's specific tastes and preferences. If the audience wants to watch a film, they're not gonna whip it out in the middle of the movie theater because they didn't come their to whack it. They came their to be entertained or to experience art. End rant.

Let's end this Musical Monday on a positive note:

I'm not a cat person. I don't have any cat-like qualities. I've never owned a cat. I will probably never own a cat. I'm allergic to cats.


While I don't particularly like cats, I have met some cats that I like & some of my best friends are cat people.

So, I can appreciate the insane obsession of millions of feline-fanatical cat worshipers as they mindless slam their flat faces into their screens in joy at the sight of every cute, funny, weird, dumb, and/or ordinary cat.

There. You happy? I'm glad to be back.