Tuesday, October 11, 2011


The Lost Colony of Roanoke
DISCLAIMER: None of the following is necessarily true or sane.

On August 18, 1590, an expeditionary group landed on Roanoke Island and found, to their horror and confusion, that the Roanoke Colony had disappeared. Evidence suggested that the colonist had left in a hurry or were forcibly taken from their camp. The only other clue they left was the word "Croatan" carved into a tree. Ever since historians and scientists have searched for the truth. The following is one version of the truth provide by one Prof. Franklin Butts.

"Alright, you little farts listen up cuz the Prof is about to lay down the past prophecy, American history, the truth, dog. The year was like 1590, and some pilgrims were hanging out on the Island of Roanoke and having a great time. Yeah, they were starving and sick but they were having too much fun messing with the Natives to go home. They would blame the natives for stealing a silver cup or some other useless piece of crap and then totally over retaliate by sackin' and burnin' and just generally wreckin' their villages. It was a pretty sweet gig. But, alas, all turkey's get eaten and no thanks would be given that day.

That day came on a beautiful June morning. The pilgrims were hanging out by their fort, and were making a day out of counting how many kinds of trees there were around the fort, when all of the sudden a bright light shone down from the heavens. The pilgrims were freaking out cuz they figured it was God taking them up to heaven. But it wasn't. They had been abducted by aliens. Native American aliens who built the pyramids.

This one chick with the Roanoke crowd named Mary looked around and when she saw a Native walk up, she was like "Yo Injun, what's going on here?" 
The alien pulled out a taser and said, "We're taking your shoes. Those buckles look pretty swank."
The pilgrims were all kinda pissed but what could they do. They took off their shoes and Mary demanded to see their Captain.

She got her wish because of her insistence and Cptn. Steam Weasel was like, "How?"
Mary was like, "Is this the work of the god or the devil?"
"One sec." The Cptn was kind of a bad ass and looked down a periscope and shot their ship with a laser, "Boosh! Nice boat!"
"Hey! That was our boat!"
"Too bad!" The Captain shrugged,"Oh and we killed your god..."

5000 Years Earlier....

God is chilling in space, cross-legged, and just kinda resting in the upper atmosphere when a little space ship flew up in his face. God snapped, "The fuck?" And the aliens told him that if he didn't move and give up the planet they would kill him. God scoffed, "Pfft. Yeah, I'd like to see ya try!" So they shot him with a laser and he was like, "Ouch! Damn! Fuck! I'm dying. You fucking bastards! You know what....if I can't have it you can't have it!" and he pulled a lever and the Earth flooded and his last act was to put Jesus in an escape pod.

Back to 1590....

"Blasphemer!" Mary screeched and the Captain pressed another button and teleported the Roanoke colony into space as he pulled on his sweet buckle shoes.

As for the writing on the trees? The Captain put that there to eff with the British colonial pigs. And that's what happened to Madison Square Gardens."

Thank you and keep on dreaming!

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