SCI-FI FANTASY SATURDAY PRESENTS
MY HORRIBLE STAR WARS FAN FICTION THING PT. 1
Bioware's Star Wars: The Old Republic MMORPG went free-to-play....sorta/maybe/partially-- you can now make a free account and play through the first fifteen levels of all the character classes/alignments with some limitations. I plan to do a full review based on this experience, but so far the only thing I care about is my character, Tubb Ramkin. He is a fat, beligerent, anti-hero combination of John Candy and Harrison Ford. He is also handsome, dashing, and a total bad***!
I enjoy mocking the game so much to get through it that I feel that Tubb deserves his story to be told, sorta. Enjoy.
TUBB RAMKIN: GALACTIC TOURIST
Ord Mantell, few planets attract a more interesting population of tourists and bounty hunters and, even in civil-war, one tourist was there to explore what the planet had to offer. Tubb Ramkin didn't want to be part of Havoc Squad, but you can bet your sweet ass they wanted a big piece of the Tubbster. Despite being overweight, having an attitude problem, and being a loose cannon, he was 100% Galactic Republic cyborg cheesecake and exactly the kind of weapon they needed to unleash on the unsuspecting separatist assholes that were starting trouble.
As he sat in the drop ship, some no-name sap started asking him what his business was and Tubb Ramkin, in the voice of a fat and belligerent Harrison Ford, kept it real buttery, "Here to kick ass and chew bubble gum," he paused between his sentences to catch his breath, "Don't worry. I brought enough badass for everyone."
"Alright soldier, that's what we like to hear. Havoc Squad needs a trooper like you," The engineer of the crew patted his back with his stupid word salad.
Tubb Ramkin shrugged, "Yeah, whatever. Hey is the ship crashing or something?"
It was.
"Hold on kid! This is gonna be rough!" The engineer yelled as he grabbed a nearby handle and Tubb Ramkin ran to the back of the ship, leaped out the back, and began to go into free-fall like in that one scene from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
He did a few rolls, threw up in his mouth, and pulled his chute. A couple of meters from the ground, he released the shut, hit the ground in a classic action pose, and slowly stood, "Lets get busy, or whatever, pfft."
Nearby, a half-dozen troopers were playing shoot the separatist, and having a hard time at it. The impact of Tubb's massive John Candy-like metallic frame landing shook the men out of their shell-shocked desperation. He walked toward them, "Yo, mustache,"He acknowledged their leader, "What's the situation?"
"We're pinned down and our communicators are being blocked. We can't maneuver around this without getting separated. We need someone to take out their signal jammers." Before the mustachioed fellow could finish explaining, Tubb had walked over to a nearby piece of rubble that a separatist was using for cover and shot him right in the face as he looked out.
"Holy shit!" The other troopers watched as Tubb Ramkin brutally executed separatist dogs with uncaring ease of a machine. As soon as one foe hit the ground from a spray of blaster rifle fire, another would flail around screaming as a plasma grenade fused into his armor and blew a hole through his chest, and Tubb Ramkin ripped the head off an assault droid and punted it over a nearby building. He then used its body to prop himself and blast a hole through a nearby barricade.
"You want some of this? How about some salt and pepper! Yeah! Eat it!"Huffing and puffing, the overweight commando trampled foes under him with ease before with a gallant tumble, landing a heavy boot on the console of a radio jammer. Meanwhile, the troopers watched the incredible something like a human being walk out of the smoke, the blood and motor oil of his enemies coating his jacket, he threw it off, "Any body got a shirt I can borrow? I don't wanna smell like cowards when I go out for steak tonight."
TO BE CONTINUED ISH....
