Wednesday, September 21, 2011

WTF WEDNESDAY 3 THE BOOK OF POKEMON Pt. 2

WTF WEDNESDAY

The first two books were kind of WTF but this one is more FTW. Seriously, if you didn't read the first part turn back and read it here so you aren't completely blown away by its mighty weirdness.


THE BOOK OF POKEMON Pt. 2

THE BOOK OF GARY MUTHAF***in' OAK!

What hath I doneth?
I. Oak was remiss and had lost the blessing of Arceus. He had coupled with a Pokémon, begat hundreds of abominations and, despite all of his good works, he was guilty of just as many crimes. He wanted to find redemption. Yet, he had grown elderly; his body and mind feeble from centuries of wizardry, breaking the backs of Machokes and eating Pokéberries in the woods. It was during a forest excursion to get his fix that he saw a vision.

He was enjoying his berry drug trip when it was interrupted by the sight of  a Mr. Mime rave party. The Mr. Mimes were strange forest druids who mostly ate berries and created light  shows. The light show caused him to have a seizure and see the future. In the vision, two figures stood atop a mountain at the end of time, space and were shrouded by light without light and dark without dark. One figure wore ridiculous baseball cap, fingerless gloves and a vest. The other figure was half-naked and had spiky hair. The two spoke in a strange language he couldn't understand but he felt at peace and would've died if not for his vision being disturbed  by a Mr. Mime trying to steal his wallet.

After killing all of the Mr. Mimes with his flame sword, Kusanagi-no-Tsurugi, and flayed them (and their younglings) alive. He then cast them into the pits of  the 9 Poké-Hells, with his unholy powers, to wait until he claimed their souls in the next world. The only survivor was left in the woods to tell all Mimes of the Book of Oak or be hunted down and burned alive. or worse devoured by his lion heads and used to feed the energy pits of Oak's soul. (What? You are not a real Pokémon fan if you don't already know this part? They made a movie? Directed by Frank Miller and produced by sniffing glue?)

Now, after feeding bloodlust he returned to Pallet and Oak began a search for the two strangers in shadow. He needed to seek out a new hero to redeem his actions and bring about a new world order. An order where man and pocket monster were no longer master and slave. His first plan to seek out the Chosen Ones was to stick his sword into a Onyx and tell them the first one who pulled it out would be given mind powers. That, unfortunately, instead led to dozens upon dozens of unnecessary deaths and destruction. After that failure, he invited would-be Chosen Ones to Pallet under the guise of a free-hotdog-giveaway. 

That was also not very effective. What came next was super effective. An insane plan. Offering a free Pokémon and a Pokédex to all ten-year olds. He had decided, that if one of the little bastards managed to find and capture all Pokémon, that such a hero must be the Chosen One. He knew that of the two there would be a Giver and a Taker, a Lover and Hater, a Chosen One and his Rival. Little did he know that the tykes he had sought out for so long were right under his senile nose waiting to be found, waiting to be seen, waiting to begin their journeys.

II.  Oak was not quite sure but something was different that day. A throng of ragamuffins came to collect a starter. Yet, he had run out of all but one starter, a shiny coated Evee that Oak had found scrounging around under his double-wide trailer he hid away his family of Dittos in. He ignored there love, but one of the abominations was different. Unlike the others, he didn't lack the sheen of a human soul. Oak still could not bare to look at him directly and, as such, often ignored his grandchild.

 The child was named Gary Oak. He was the son of Dittoak and a wild Ditto. Gary was 1/8 Human, 1/8 demon and 6/8 Ditto. He was an abomination and yet, like his grandfather, was destined for greatness.

On the day he turned ten, he arrived at his grandfather's lab, to great fanfare. In fact, the youth drove up in a red sportscar with an entourage of strange, but beautiful women. He then proceeded inside and snatched the last Pokémon before his childhood rival, Ash, could receive it. After some harsh words that derided Ash, young Gary Oak began his journey.


The Rival soon became his title as he best Ash Ketchum at every turn, yet, he was not truly a d-bag at all. He was merely troubled; trouble by the manifestation of his own wizardly powers. For example, one of the earliest manifestations of his unique powers was the ability to project his underlying desires into physical form. The girlfriends and sportscar had not been any more real than the dreams of a boy. His popularity was merely a forced manifestation of his pain from spending the first decade of his life in a double-wide trailer filled with his abomination of a family. The only man who could have saved him from this pain rejected his love. Samuel Oak's greatest crimes were against those who loved him most (sad, right?). It was thus that Gary Oak pursued many quests and many miracles in order to try and fill the hole within his demi-human heart.

 First among his quests was to discover more about the origins of his Pokémon brethren through exploration and even had a go at digging up the graves of Pokégods. He found little of what he was looking for but this was merely an aside to the many miracles her performed on his quest to find his place. He found success at almost every challenge he took and his name was spread throughout Kanto upon the tongues of all those who had witnessed his mighty wondrous powers. Some of Gary's powers include: telepathy and telekinesis, spurting blood from his eyes at a distance up to twenty paces, super snuggability, kiss of death, monkey's paw style martial arts, the power to poop out evolutionary stones, the ability to tell Voltorbs from Pokéballs at a distance, to know how to find the tornado in Simon's quest, to turn all Pokéballs into Ultraballs, the ability to taste the past, but most importantly the ability to smell the future.


It was through this sense of smell that he could smell something special about Ash Ketchum. It was through this sense of smell that he would follow his way to victory over all foes, except one. Gary had managed to find the first seven badges and went to Viridian city. There he met a dark figure, Giovanni, and challenged him to a Pokémon battle. It was in this battle he fought a being he had not encountered before and suffered his first loss. The loss shook him far greater than he allowed his facade to show. He sunk into the deep recesses of his own mind and could find no answer to what Pokémon he had just been defeated by. Surely, it was some unknown god. 
Thus, Oak walked out into the wilderness of Viridian forest and killed every Pikachu he came across. It was during this brutal hunt that he developed a closer bond to his Evee and it was in this time that Gary began to doubt whether he wanted to be a Pokémon master at all. He had grown to enjoy unraveling mysteries more than being super awesome (for there was little challenge in his battles...except against the god-like being). After discovery that the truth was his purpose, Gary returned to Pallet for a final test.

As if to spite Ash, who had earned his badges through round after round of failure, followed by success through deus ex machina, Gary claimed to have collected all of Kanto's badges. To taunt Ash, he not only gave himself the badge to Viridian city, he created two other badges, drawing Ash into a fury. There battle resulted in Gary destroying Ash, and his partner Pikachu, but Gary was not satisfied. It was in that moment he realized that he wanted to follow in his grandfather's insane footsteps. It was in that moment he realized that success earned without hard work was as unsatisfactory as snapping the neck of a Pichu. It was in that moment Gary Muthaf***in' Oak realized the Chosen One was under his grandfather's nose all along. For the Chosen One was smelled sweet.


Thus concludes the OAK TESTAMENT. The BOOK OF POKEMON is to be continued in the
KANTO TESTAMENT.

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