Wednesday, July 11, 2012

WTF WEDNESDAY! BOOK OF POKEMON! PT. 3

WTF WEDNESDAY PRESENTS

THE BOOK OF POKEMON PT. 3:
THE KANTO TESTAMENT

The last two books were pretty weird adaptations of Pokemon lore. This book? Its the version of Pokereality that should have been and is yet to come. P.S. I've decided to write at least one or two more article in the series...



I. There is a story told amongst the Pikachu tribe; a prophecy only I can translate to the wretched humans that will read this story will never truly understand but it translates from our language as thus, "He who smelt of clean underwear shall be the chosen one." The prophecy was passed down from generation to generation of the inbred Pikachu that live in the Viridian forest; Raichu who begat Pikachu who begat Bluchu & Pichu who begat Minun & Plusle and the legend lived on through the lyrics of these dullards that roamed the foul wormwood of Viridian.



Ash's Pikachu did not come from such foul stock, but from the royal family of Pikachus from a far away land. Yet, Prince Ashitaka Pikachu had heard the legend and his studies lead him to embark on a grand journey to Kanto. As part of a twist of the knife that is fate, Pikachu ran into the unruly demonoid Professor Samuel Oak. After a long and bloody battle involving samurai swords and several rounds of kabuki-style interpretive acting, Professor Oak shouted unto the heavens, "Look yonder!" Pikachu, being a naive fellow, looked to the North and was struck unconscious by Oak's latest invention, the Pokemon whomping stick.


II. After its data lay stagnant in that wretched device, Pikachu was freed and to be given away as part of Oak's own plans to discover the chosen one.

A young sprout by the name of Ash Ketchum, raised by his mother Delia in the backwater burg of Pallet town, and easily the least popular child at school. The other children used to laugh and call him names; none more-so than Gary Oak. After all, Ash Ketchum? More like "A**-Ketchup"! Am I right? Pokebiblical hi-five! Anywho, on the day Ash was intended to receive his first Pokemon, he overslept and was the fourth humanoid to arrive.


Nigh unto a few moments Ash Ketchum was too late to receive a Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle from Lord Samuel Oak. Even as he arrived, Garold Oak was there to great him with a mocking sneer and a lingering arrivederci, "Smell ya later, A**!" Little did the two know this would not the first nor the last time their fates would collide.

Despite his tardiness, Samuel Oak saw something familiar in the glint of Ash's eyes that inspired him to offer the foreign Pikachu he had captured. From the moment Pikachu met Ash, he could smell those clean tighty whities and knew he had found the Chosen One in Pallet. At first, Pikachu tested the brat by shocking him and leading him on dangerous adventure. Through their quests the two bonded more and more, Pikachu taking Ash as his partner and secretly declaring himself Ash's guard unto death.

Along the way, Ash would foster friendship with many disciples to help him along his journey and he would need it; for Ash was cursed with an immense handicap in an inability to progress past childhood while his friends matured and moved on ahead of him. Furthermore, this inability proved so toxic that, despite winning several impressive bouts, Ash would lose when the odds were stacked in his favor. His most important allies would be Brock the Breeder and Misty the Pissed-Off. Despite his bizarre curse, Ash would manage to procure badge after badge until, finally, he would face the diabolical lord of Team Rocket, Giovanni.
III. Giovanni had built an empire upon the suffering of Pokemon and Pokemon slave master alike; his moral standing was that any enslavement of Pokemon was wrong, therefore everyone was a criminal, and therefore no one innocent or safe from persecution or abuse. His goal was to unite the world under a giant red 'R' and ultimately build a giant rocket to go up into space and slay Arceus himself to become the god of a new world.

Ash had foiled his plans time and time again; his minions, incompetent, cowardly, and coiffed like circus performers failed to do anything and he was becoming the laughing stock of the organized crime world. This would all change with Project M.

He recruited the results of a dangerous experiment; an artificial clone of a Pokemon god that could rend the minds and hearts of all. With such power, anything was possible.

Alas, all would not be well, and in an intense battle against the monstrous Gary Oak, the clone, now known as Mewtwo, betrayed Giovanni and fled to create his own utopia.








IV. Shortly thereafter, Ash arrived at the destroyed Viridian Gym and refused to allow the villain to escape. Riding atop his Charizard, Ash forced the helicopter to the ground, and right in front of the Pokemon League Stadium, where the Elite Four were said to lie in wait, Ash waited for the villain to step out of the wreckage. PLOT TWIST! Ash recognized the man not as some faceless villain or killer of gods, as he was, but in fact, his father.

It seemed that his father had lied all those years ago when he said he was going out for smokes and his mother had been wrong in thinking his father has simply been on a Pokemon journey. Giovanni revealed his past to Ash, admitting that he had loved Ash and his mother once but, being an immortal, he began to grow mad with the fear of watching his family grow old. After discovering a grey hair on Delia's pillow, Giovanni left Ash and his mother to pursue his goal of getting vengeance on Arceus for cursing him with immortality and sought to make a new world where no one could die.

Ash would never kill a Pokemon, for his heart was filled with compassion, and the idea of killing one god to make another, just for selfish reasons, was the worst sin he could imagine. The two battled on a cliff, but not with Pokemon, but with fist and rock. They were caught in a primordial battle that better suited Giovanni, the immortal primitive. Just as Giovanni was to crush Ash's skull with a rock, Pikachu intervened, Volt Tackling Giovanni off the cliff, and into oblivion.

Wounded, physically and spiritually, Ash returned home to his mother and awaited the coming Pokemon tournament.


To Be Continued in The Book of Pokemon PT. 3 Trials of the Orange Isle and The Book of Mewtwo

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