WTF WEDNESDAY
THE BOOK OF POKEMON Pt. 1
 |
| 1/8 Human, 1/8 Demon and 6/8 Ditto. |
Before I begin I would like to warn you that this really is gonna be a doozy. I am not going to do any research to double check my facts so don't expect perfect accuracy. I am going to tell you the story of the Pokémon world as it has been described to me second and even third hand. It should be quite a kooky trip.
EDIT: I originally was just gonna blog about Gary but this has taken on a life of its own.
EDIT: I originally was just gonna blog about Gary but this has taken on a life of its own.
THE BOOK OF POKEGENESIS
I. IN THE BEGINNING, there was Arceus and things were pretty sweet for like fifteen minutes or so. But Arceus got pretty bored and his mere thought babies helped to create his first Pokéchildren, the Creation Trio (pictured below). Arceus begat Dialga, the timelord dragon, Arceus begat Palkia, the space godzilla and Arceus begat Giratrina, the matter/anti-matter ghost brontosaurus, and it was good.
Each of these Pokémon control a different dimension of the four-dimensions that make up the very reality that contains everything in the Poké-verse, including the Pokémon World. Simultaneously, from one egg, Arceus birthed the Pokémons that represent knowledge, emotion and willpower, respectively Uxie, Mesprit, and Azelf (not interesting enough to picture at all).
Each of these Pokémon control a different dimension of the four-dimensions that make up the very reality that contains everything in the Poké-verse, including the Pokémon World. Simultaneously, from one egg, Arceus birthed the Pokémons that represent knowledge, emotion and willpower, respectively Uxie, Mesprit, and Azelf (not interesting enough to picture at all).
And the picture above is just the legendaries/mythicals from Generations 1-4. I can't even find a group picture of the legendaries from Generation 5. Deoxys is technically from space.Whatever.
A WIKI ON ALL THE LEGENDARY POKEMON!
Yet, one day, on a walk through some tall grass, accompanied by his trusty Magikarp, tied up with a rope and enjoying the sweet embrace of drowning on land, he tripped over an object in the grass. The small round white and red object was the first Pokéball. The man-wizard discovered its powers by throwing it at the Magikarp that was humping his leg, a red light absorbing his data, destroying the original copy and when the time is necessary, creating a new copy of the Pokémon.
Thus, he discovered the first modern pokeball. Seriously. He then tore it apart, rebuilt it, replicated it and shared his patent for the benefit of mankind. It is said the device may have been created during the great cataclysm that split Kanto from Johto and the other countries of the Pokemon World but that is a mystery unsolved.
II. Thus Arceus was pleased after he begat everything- everything but not man. Man was a creation of Mew. Mew was a joke among all of the Pokégods, literally, as he was a pink thermaldahide preserved cat fetus Pokémon who just kinda says its name. Ironically, most legendary Pokémon speak telepathically but Mew is just slow. So, on a random day, he giggled, farted and made a silly looking pink monkey creature that, unlike almost every species on Earth, couldn't evolve (irony lolz). Somehow, despite not having any special powers, the race of man did not go extinct. Nay, he fought the elements and tried to build civilization., and yay, it was good.
Man learned how to kill Pokémon with tawdry spears, but mostly they just made the wise decision to avoid all tall grass. Instead, they lived in a dirty crater where not but tomatoes would grow. But not like good tomatoes, terrible little tomatoes, that smelt of filth. This was kind of lame.
Until a meteor decided to play a game of Chicken with the Pokémon world. Arceus was merciful and thus he summoned all of his power and tackled the mighty rock. He managed to destroy it but in the process he lost the sixteen plates that did provide him life and began to die. That was until a dirt farming monkey man named Damos found the missing plates and returned them to Arceus.
Arceus thought this was tits and thus as a reward for helping him not die (despite the fact that he was an almighty god and was defeated by a rock, pretty pitiful god if you ask me). He gave Damos the Jewel of Life to fix his dirt farm up nice but made him promise to return it.
Damos was kind of a d***. He did not wish to return it because he was a greedy little s***. Thus he rose up against Arceus with an army of Pokémon he controlled with the the Jewel of Life. This was a minor and annoying inconvenience for Arceus. He killed Damos with a large falling rock and punish his son Giovanni with immortality (weird, right?).
Arceus left in a tizzy. But not before stirring up all the legendaries and shattering the world into several distinct landmasses that are separated by convenient land barriers.
 |
| "Soon my pet, soon..." |
Thus Arceus abandoned his children to their own devices, for thousands of years, while he went into the deep recesses of space to search for space rocks to tackle. With his absence, the age of man began and various tribes used magic to distort time and space, allowing them to capture and befriend (cough enslave) Pokémon.
THE BOOK OF PROFESSOR OAK
I. Meanwhile the world of men, spread among the Pokémon nations and were forced to find new ways to control the magical monsters that threatened their every day life. Some tribes used magic and others carved magical baubles out of a hybrid of acorns and apricots. This was a scary and confusing time. One land had no magic or baubles. The land of Kanto.
Kanto was a strange land home to lots of strange people. Many towns of all colors, creeds and stuff were raised by the hands of man and their Pokéslaves. Yet, these slaves were unruly, for the people of Kanto had no magic and had to break Pokéspirits with beatings, brainwashing and psychic powers (what is happens?). One town was most despised and some thought it would please Arceus to destroy it. The devilish town of Pallet.
This was until a great hero emerged from the gooey hole that is Pallet Town. The man was Samuel Oak but his origins were less Samuel and more Samiel. More wizard than man, more professor than man and most importantly, more demon than man (wait, what?). They say that his mother was a whorish crank that lived in a cardboard box when the demon, known as Dr. Fuji the Befowler,
Kanto was a strange land home to lots of strange people. Many towns of all colors, creeds and stuff were raised by the hands of man and their Pokéslaves. Yet, these slaves were unruly, for the people of Kanto had no magic and had to break Pokéspirits with beatings, brainwashing and psychic powers (what is happens?). One town was most despised and some thought it would please Arceus to destroy it. The devilish town of Pallet.
This was until a great hero emerged from the gooey hole that is Pallet Town. The man was Samuel Oak but his origins were less Samuel and more Samiel. More wizard than man, more professor than man and most importantly, more demon than man (wait, what?). They say that his mother was a whorish crank that lived in a cardboard box when the demon, known as Dr. Fuji the Befowler,
 |
| Gross. Box sex. |
befowled her and from her loins was spat the fully grown man-wizard Samuel Oak.
Professor was a title he earned through dangerous expeditions he didto discover the nature of Pokémon. He created several devices to help him on his way, but most important of all was the Pokédex, a magical book that could be updated at his whim, and was able to identify Pokémon and all of their abilities. He discovered it on a bus ride to Viridian City. The only thing he couldn't discover was a better way to control Pokémon.
Professor was a title he earned through dangerous expeditions he didto discover the nature of Pokémon. He created several devices to help him on his way, but most important of all was the Pokédex, a magical book that could be updated at his whim, and was able to identify Pokémon and all of their abilities. He discovered it on a bus ride to Viridian City. The only thing he couldn't discover was a better way to control Pokémon.
Thus, he discovered the first modern pokeball. Seriously. He then tore it apart, rebuilt it, replicated it and shared his patent for the benefit of mankind. It is said the device may have been created during the great cataclysm that split Kanto from Johto and the other countries of the Pokemon World but that is a mystery unsolved.
Oak went on to discover wonder after wonder and create a paradise from the scumbucket that was Pallet Town. Yet, all was not well.
II. Oak had a problem. It began when he fell in love with a mortal woman named Agatha. She was a great Pokémon trainer and attuned to the afterlife. Yet, the Befowler was not pleased to see his spawn....well spawn. Thus, he cursed him so that every child he created with Agatha became a Missingno. Missingno are horrible soulless creatures that distort reality and threaten all innocent life.
After trapping them on a small island away from society and going on a hike to discover a higher power than Arceus, Oak made a discovery that many considered an abomination. He met a lovely lady, a fan and bedded her. Yet, upon finishing the deed, he discover she was not all she seemed or even human. She was an evil Pokémon known as Ditto.
Ditto begat Dittoak. Dittoak was an abomination. Yet, not all was lost. The Dittos were raised to human-like status by taking these forms and tried to have a normal family. Oak lived in shame, throwing himself into his work and becoming a little senile (so much so that he ignored his family). That is when Dittoak begat the Rival...Oak's only grandchild...
II. Oak had a problem. It began when he fell in love with a mortal woman named Agatha. She was a great Pokémon trainer and attuned to the afterlife. Yet, the Befowler was not pleased to see his spawn....well spawn. Thus, he cursed him so that every child he created with Agatha became a Missingno. Missingno are horrible soulless creatures that distort reality and threaten all innocent life.
After trapping them on a small island away from society and going on a hike to discover a higher power than Arceus, Oak made a discovery that many considered an abomination. He met a lovely lady, a fan and bedded her. Yet, upon finishing the deed, he discover she was not all she seemed or even human. She was an evil Pokémon known as Ditto.Ditto begat Dittoak. Dittoak was an abomination. Yet, not all was lost. The Dittos were raised to human-like status by taking these forms and tried to have a normal family. Oak lived in shame, throwing himself into his work and becoming a little senile (so much so that he ignored his family). That is when Dittoak begat the Rival...Oak's only grandchild...
GARY MOTHER F***in' OAK!
To be continued next week with the Book of Gary and finally the Ash Ketchum Testament.
