Wednesday, April 1, 2015

WORD OF THE DAY! 4/1/15!


We meets again, at last. The circus is now completed. When I lasted meeted ya'll, I was but a learnin o-possum. Now I am the blogger.

And I has returned to revenge of the jedi! Or was it the return of the sith? I never figured the difference between the two types of space samurais? They both use light swords and wear snuggies and use big words that I can't understands. Why aren't their any o-possum jedis? That's reese's  discrimination! I want a Reese's Peanut Butter cup or I'm not finishin' mah dang ol' review...

I gots mah snacks. Now I can gets back to brass tax.

I have been commiserated into reviewin' a new film from the brilliant mind of Jorge Lukas. I gots the Laser Disc in mah P.O. Box (mah dumpster) and I have been assured the new film, while not continuin' the heart breakin' tragedy of the Fett Clan, is the epic concussion to the original Star Wars trilogy.

Let's talk about revenge of the something!

The movie starts like a vidja game that I can't afford cuz the hyoomins at Gamestop won't let me trade in any more copies of Fifty Cent: Blood on the Sand.

Annie, the feller with the awesome rat tail and now more awesome mullet, and Ben Kenobi, a British secret gay, are flyin' around at the speed of sound, got places to goes, gotta follow their rainbows and they save one of the clone babies of Jar-Jar Fetts that all growed up and joined the United States Space Army (I guess). They have an important mission to save President Palpatine from the space terrorists. This is President Palpatine.

He is a trustworthy candidate on the Space Republican ticket. He is a good ol' boy from the South of Naboo, a self-made man who rose to the top of the ladder by steppin' on the little guy, and he is a snazzy dresser. He is pro-clone military, anti-space climate change, and he is the only man in the way of Space Obama!

This is Space Obama:

He is one scary mother f***er!

If ya'll remember mah last review, he done kilt Jar-Jar Fett with that giant purple light sword he likes to swing around town like some sorta pimp! He wants to be space president and cure diabetus through space obamacare-- I like mah diabetus!

It helps me sleeps after a big meal and I couldn't roll down hills to gets away from hawks if his space wife got rid of mah favorite foods! I can't wait to see him gets what he deserves!

President Palpatine has been kidnapped by the robot a-rabs that are led by General Osama Bin Laden but this time, cuz he done got shot in the head, he is like a giant skeleton robot man with four arms and light swords and he sounds like he has a cold.

He runs like a big ol' chicken when he sees Annie and Ben Kenobi! Ben and Annie try to get President Palpatine back onto Air Force One so they can fly him back to the city planet but they're stopped by the Colonel.

I don't really get the point of the next scene cuz I mean the Colonel works for President Palpatine, right? The President gave him exclusive rights to open up space KFC/Taco Bell restaurants all over crescent city planet in exchange for the secret recipe's eleven herbs and spices and all of the Doritos Locos Taco cheese powder he can eat.

So, why is he workin' with the space terrorists? Maybe it's like a test for Annie to prove he is man enough to become the Space Vice President? I dunno.

Well, the Colonel whoops some ass up like a ten piece combo meal right up until the point where Annie gets the upper hand by cuttin' off his hands! President Palpatine has been watchin' the whole thing and I'm sure is thinkin' "this is rad but how can it get more rad?"

Oh that's right! If he could create a white light sword, give Annie an extra arm, and have him take down the samurai hippies back on crescent roll planet. Well, he figures he can't go playin' god and instead to just make Annie a good ol' fashion Walker: Texas Ranger style 'Murican badass! And what's more 'Murican than cutting off the Colonel's head?

Attaboy Annie!

And with that Annie realizes that President Palpatine is prolly his best bet if he ever wants to become Space Vice President and President Palpatine has found his runnin' mate in the next campaign.

I mean, think about, Annie is pretty durn handsome, he is a vetran war hero in the clone wars, and he can shoot the eye off a womp rat and they're hardly bigger than two meters (whatever that means but it means shootin' animals that ain't o-possums and I prove of that). He is a total maverick that the Republican party has been lookin' for and the best vice presidential candidate since the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palpatine!

But let's stop talkin' bout politickin' and get back to the story of two good ol' boys.

Annie and Palpatine find out they have a lot in common: they both hate space hippies. Ever since the first movie Space Obama and the other samurais have been holdin' Annie back from his true potential and, even if they did give him that awesome rat tail, they're goin' to use Space Obamacare to take over the galaxy and turn it into a big nanny state! Like Ms. Doubtfire but less funny! And that's not mah 'murica!

So, President Palpatine promises to use space prayer healin's to save Annie and his baby mama's baby and Annie promises to be Palpatine's business partner. What could possibly go wrong?

While Annie holds down the fort, Ben Kenobi rides a space horse like a space cowboy and goes on a Call of Duty mission to the home planet of the Space A-rabs and finds that they're all talkin' bout goin' to some volcano planet (wait until ya'll see how that goes for 'em) and Osama-borg is struttin' around like he owns the place. So Ben Kenobi makes the most 'Murican decision of his life and drops in, litrolly, in the middle of the space arabs and robot terrorist with his light sword!

And shoots Osama right thru the heart!

I take back the "secret gay" thing about Ben Kenobi. He is a good shot and handsome feller. Like a blonder Burt Reynolds.


Turns out that the space hippies wanna take President Palpatine to one of their space Obamacare death panels and Preisdent Palpatines like "not in mah 'murica!" and cuts down like a half-dozen of the thugs before facin' off against Space Obama himself! I gotta say that up until this point I kinda figured the President to be too rich and white and important to get his own hands dirty but, bein' a real 'murican, he defends himself with his concealed weapon-- a badass red light sword!

'ventually, Space Obama seems to get the upperhand on the President until...


'cept...unfortunately...Space Obama is too strong!

Annie arrives just in time to watch his best friend get disfigured by Space Obama and he would've cut his head off too but!!

Annie turns his back to the commies of the space samurai and disarms Space Obama right before, with a final push of faith, President Palpatine lightnins Space Obama out the window and avenges Jar-Jar Fett!

With Space Obama out of the way, President Palpatine can declare himself President fer life and makes Anakin like his Vice President and they kill all the space hippies. Even the youngins but they was already turned to the gay side and were card carryin' space Demmy-crats so it is probobolly for the best, right?

At least they're with Space Jesus now.

I thought the movie was over.

I thought I could go back to mah dumpster where they throw out the black trash bags of popcorn from the movie theater after it becomes so butter that it is more butter than corn but I was wrong. Then I would fall into a diabetus coma and never wakes up-- to sleep perchance to dream-- and become a space samurai mahself in the next life. But...

there was still one more scene that I woulda sword came right out of a gawdang Michael Bay movie left to watch! Ben Kenobi vs. Annie Skywalker!

I gotta say, while I found it real sad that Annie got burneded to death, I still was on the edge of mah seat and I'm usually on the edge of mah seat cuz the movie theater seats is too big for an o-possum--even an o-possum with diabetes! Although, I gotta say, the part with Ben Kenobi sayin' he loved Annie makes me re-retract the statement about him bein' a secret gay. I hope he gets the space death penalty for what he done did!

Annie ain't really death tho! He was just playin' possum and pretty good at it too! Ben Kenobi leaves his bestest friend to die in a volcano, like ya do, and Palpy shows up to save him by takin' him to the doctor. 'cept the space doctors are worse than real doctors! His wife dies and he becomes a space frankenstein! I cry evertim.

And I guess that's its for the Star Wars trilogy. It seems like they leave it more open-ended than mah favorite dumpster in town. Guess that'll do, pigs. I spose I'll be leavin' here with a bitter sweet adoo since there ain't no more movies left to review next year.

What's that? Episode one, two and three are just the prequels? What's a prequel? This better not have nothin' to do with prequel rights!? Oh. Then Senor Jorge made more Star Wars movies? You mean...

...there is another.

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