WORD OF THE DAY! 4/1/15!

REVENGE OF THE SITH IS THE BESTEST MOVIE!

REVIEWING STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE OPOSSUM

IN MEMORY OF BOBBY FETT'S DAD, JAR-JAR FETT!

We meets again, at last. The circus is now completed. When I lasted meeted ya'll, I was but a learnin o-possum. Now I am the blogger.

And I has returned to revenge of the jedi! Or was it the return of the sith? I never figured the difference between the two types of space samurais? They both use light swords and wear snuggies and use big words that I can't understands. Why aren't their any o-possum jedis? That's reese's  discrimination! I want a Reese's Peanut Butter cup or I'm not finishin' mah dang ol' review...

I gots mah snacks. Now I can gets back to brass tax.

I have been commiserated into reviewin' a new film from the brilliant mind of Jorge Lukas. I gots the Laser Disc in mah P.O. Box (mah dumpster) and I have been assured the new film, while not continuin' the heart breakin' tragedy of the Fett Clan, is the epic concussion to the original Star Wars trilogy.

Let's talk about revenge of the something!

The movie starts like a vidja game that I can't afford cuz the hyoomins at Gamestop won't let me trade in any more copies of Fifty Cent: Blood on the Sand.

Annie, the feller with the awesome rat tail and now more awesome mullet, and Ben Kenobi, a British secret gay, are flyin' around at the speed of sound, got places to goes, gotta follow their rainbows and they save one of the clone babies of Jar-Jar Fetts that all growed up and joined the United States Space Army (I guess). They have an important mission to save President Palpatine from the space terrorists. This is President Palpatine.

He is a trustworthy candidate on the Space Republican ticket. He is a good ol' boy from the South of Naboo, a self-made man who rose to the top of the ladder by steppin' on the little guy, and he is a snazzy dresser. He is pro-clone military, anti-space climate change, and he is the only man in the way of Space Obama!

This is Space Obama:

He is one scary mother f***er!

If ya'll remember mah last review, he done kilt Jar-Jar Fett with that giant purple light sword he likes to swing around town like some sorta pimp! He wants to be space president and cure diabetus through space obamacare-- I like mah diabetus!

It helps me sleeps after a big meal and I couldn't roll down hills to gets away from hawks if his space wife got rid of mah favorite foods! I can't wait to see him gets what he deserves!

President Palpatine has been kidnapped by the robot a-rabs that are led by General Osama Bin Laden but this time, cuz he done got shot in the head, he is like a giant skeleton robot man with four arms and light swords and he sounds like he has a cold.

He runs like a big ol' chicken when he sees Annie and Ben Kenobi! Ben and Annie try to get President Palpatine back onto Air Force One so they can fly him back to the city planet but they're stopped by the Colonel.

I don't really get the point of the next scene cuz I mean the Colonel works for President Palpatine, right? The President gave him exclusive rights to open up space KFC/Taco Bell restaurants all over crescent city planet in exchange for the secret recipe's eleven herbs and spices and all of the Doritos Locos Taco cheese powder he can eat.

So, why is he workin' with the space terrorists? Maybe it's like a test for Annie to prove he is man enough to become the Space Vice President? I dunno.

Well, the Colonel whoops some ass up like a ten piece combo meal right up until the point where Annie gets the upper hand by cuttin' off his hands! President Palpatine has been watchin' the whole thing and I'm sure is thinkin' "this is rad but how can it get more rad?"

Oh that's right! If he could create a white light sword, give Annie an extra arm, and have him take down the samurai hippies back on crescent roll planet. Well, he figures he can't go playin' god and instead to just make Annie a good ol' fashion Walker: Texas Ranger style 'Murican badass! And what's more 'Murican than cutting off the Colonel's head?

Attaboy Annie!

And with that Annie realizes that President Palpatine is prolly his best bet if he ever wants to become Space Vice President and President Palpatine has found his runnin' mate in the next campaign.

I mean, think about, Annie is pretty durn handsome, he is a vetran war hero in the clone wars, and he can shoot the eye off a womp rat and they're hardly bigger than two meters (whatever that means but it means shootin' animals that ain't o-possums and I prove of that). He is a total maverick that the Republican party has been lookin' for and the best vice presidential candidate since the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palpatine!

But let's stop talkin' bout politickin' and get back to the story of two good ol' boys.

Annie and Palpatine find out they have a lot in common: they both hate space hippies. Ever since the first movie Space Obama and the other samurais have been holdin' Annie back from his true potential and, even if they did give him that awesome rat tail, they're goin' to use Space Obamacare to take over the galaxy and turn it into a big nanny state! Like Ms. Doubtfire but less funny! And that's not mah 'murica!

So, President Palpatine promises to use space prayer healin's to save Annie and his baby mama's baby and Annie promises to be Palpatine's business partner. What could possibly go wrong?

While Annie holds down the fort, Ben Kenobi rides a space horse like a space cowboy and goes on a Call of Duty mission to the home planet of the Space A-rabs and finds that they're all talkin' bout goin' to some volcano planet (wait until ya'll see how that goes for 'em) and Osama-borg is struttin' around like he owns the place. So Ben Kenobi makes the most 'Murican decision of his life and drops in, litrolly, in the middle of the space arabs and robot terrorist with his light sword!

And shoots Osama right thru the heart!

I take back the "secret gay" thing about Ben Kenobi. He is a good shot and handsome feller. Like a blonder Burt Reynolds.

Meanwhile...

Turns out that the space hippies wanna take President Palpatine to one of their space Obamacare death panels and Preisdent Palpatines like "not in mah 'murica!" and cuts down like a half-dozen of the thugs before facin' off against Space Obama himself! I gotta say that up until this point I kinda figured the President to be too rich and white and important to get his own hands dirty but, bein' a real 'murican, he defends himself with his concealed weapon-- a badass red light sword!

'ventually, Space Obama seems to get the upperhand on the President until...

...SPACE PRAYER LIGHTNIN'!

'cept...unfortunately...Space Obama is too strong!

Annie arrives just in time to watch his best friend get disfigured by Space Obama and he would've cut his head off too but!!

Annie turns his back to the commies of the space samurai and disarms Space Obama right before, with a final push of faith, President Palpatine lightnins Space Obama out the window and avenges Jar-Jar Fett!

With Space Obama out of the way, President Palpatine can declare himself President fer life and makes Anakin like his Vice President and they kill all the space hippies. Even the youngins but they was already turned to the gay side and were card carryin' space Demmy-crats so it is probobolly for the best, right?

At least they're with Space Jesus now.

I thought the movie was over.

I thought I could go back to mah dumpster where they throw out the black trash bags of popcorn from the movie theater after it becomes so butter that it is more butter than corn but I was wrong. Then I would fall into a diabetus coma and never wakes up-- to sleep perchance to dream-- and become a space samurai mahself in the next life. But...

there was still one more scene that I woulda sword came right out of a gawdang Michael Bay movie left to watch! Ben Kenobi vs. Annie Skywalker!

THE FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN ANNIE AND BEN! (SPOILERS!)

I gotta say, while I found it real sad that Annie got burneded to death, I still was on the edge of mah seat and I'm usually on the edge of mah seat cuz the movie theater seats is too big for an o-possum--even an o-possum with diabetes! Although, I gotta say, the part with Ben Kenobi sayin' he loved Annie makes me re-retract the statement about him bein' a secret gay. I hope he gets the space death penalty for what he done did!

Annie ain't really death tho! He was just playin' possum and pretty good at it too! Ben Kenobi leaves his bestest friend to die in a volcano, like ya do, and Palpy shows up to save him by takin' him to the doctor. 'cept the space doctors are worse than real doctors! His wife dies and he becomes a space frankenstein! I cry evertim.

VADER "NO" BUTTON

And I guess that's its for the Star Wars trilogy. It seems like they leave it more open-ended than mah favorite dumpster in town. Guess that'll do, pigs. I spose I'll be leavin' here with a bitter sweet adoo since there ain't no more movies left to review next year.

What's that? Episode one, two and three are just the prequels? What's a prequel? This better not have nothin' to do with prequel rights!? Oh. Then Senor Jorge made more Star Wars movies? You mean...

...there is another.

EDITOR'S NOTE: A BETTER REVIEW!

WORD OF THE DAY! 4/1/14!

ATTACK OF THE CLONES IS BESTER MOVIE!

HELLO BOYS! I'M BACK! [and I lurnt editing!]
truthiness
1. I may still be an o-possum.

... but the rotten popcorn I founded and then I eated on the floor that put me in a year-long o-possum coma has passed and I'm ready to be put back in coach!

It was mah first Spring. Well, first Spring I remember on account of mah selective memory disorder.  Anwho, it was Spring and the pungent stench of amore hung in the air like the horsie flies that buzz around Meemaw's dumpster. And I was in love with a girl...

...and her name was "concession stand". Mah heart glub-glubbed like movie butter being slowly poured over hog-quality corn pop and mah eyes spinned as they followed the spinning pumpers of the slushy slush machine. I had disguised mahself in a itty bitty trench coat I stoled off a stupid teddy bear, a fedora I stoled off a beardy coffee smirker, and sunglasses I stoled off a cane man and then I snuck past the ticket meister and tried mah hand at gettin' some snacks. Alas, much like mah love of the junk yard doggie that chases me every Thursday night, they wasn't having it. The concession's monster telled me that mah monies wasn't good, recognizin' me I spose, and chased me with a broom. I scrambled like eggs into the nearest movie chamber and watched the second movie I ever seen.

As I crawled between veragross vein coated legs and I think a human kidney, I arrived just in time to see the film's pro-tagonist try and kill an evil liberal-terrorist politician princess with a giant earth worms. Unfortunately, her boyfriend, with an awesome rat tail, hopped into the room and with his light sword cutted them.

The two samurais then chased some ugly lady in their car birds until she got shot in the face by the film's pro-tagonist cuz she was gonna tattle! WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER FACE!?

But anywho, you may be asking, who is pro-tagonist? He is a mix between James Bond, Iron Man, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. He is a total badass super hero who fights samurai and blows up rocks and fights more samurai! He looks real cool, prolly would grow a bitchin' mullet (but his helmet won't allow it) and is probably like what would happen if Texas Walker Ranger and Batman had a baby! He is the only dude bad enough to save the space president!

You will believe a man can fly!

Jar-Jar Fett is the bestest super hero of all time. Period.

And he is like the best Dad. This is a Father-Son road trip movie about a space man and his space son riding around in space and doing space stuff. Jar-Jar Fett's son Bobby Fett is pretty cool-- he likes space NASCAR, he eats his vegetables, and he probably would kick mah butt at arm wrasslin'-- and he is a chip off the old block.

In fact, all of his sons are chips off the old block. Cuz we find out that the space samurai Ben Kenobi finds out that these space Q-Tip people are cloning soldier babies from Jar-Jar Fett's nards to fight against the Space Commies. Ben Kenobi thinks this stuff is pretty cool and then tries to warn Kermit the Frog about it, but when he sees Jar-Jar Fett he tries to get his autograph but Bobby Fett has a space pee-wee football match and then they gotta hustle.

A badass fight ensues.

Ben Kenobi is all like, "you're going to space jail after I get mah autograph!" And Jar-Jar Fett is all like, "get off mah back, government! I didn't elect Space Obama!" It is awesome and the Q-Tip people are all like probably just watching with their stupid eyes and heads are splodin' and then Jar-Jar Fett and Bobby Fett got away. And then...um...

Well, I guess there was also like a love story between Princess Diana and samurai prince Annie. It was super real and he talked about sand and stuff and whined and cried and got mad about his boss and laughed at gay robots. And his mom died. And...um...

 

...and then Kermit the Frog was teachin' some kids how to swing their light swords and then Annie killed a bunch of Sand Terrorists for Murica and then they got in a boat and then they got married and then they went to a car plant and then they got McDonald's and then they went to a bug world and then they watched Gladiator and then robots and Jar-Jar Fett showed up and fought a bunch of samurai and his clones and then--

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

This ain't supposed to happen! Space Obama killed Jar-Jar Fett and cut his head off with his giant purple light sword and the space samurai are fighting the robots and his other sons don't even notice and then Bobby Fett picks up his head and is all like.... WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME DADDY!! ME AND MAMA WOULD'VE SHARED THE DUMPSTER! WHY?!!?

EDITOR'S NOTE! A BETTER REVIEW!

WORD OF THE DAY! 4/1/13!

FANTUM MENUS IS BEST MOVIE!

best movie ever [I dunno how to enunciate cuz I'm a o-possum!]
truth
1.I may just be an o-possum...

...but I knows a gud movie when I seen it!

See, I was just a baby o-possum, clingin' to the back of mah mama and she was just a crawlin' 'round the fat legs of these hyoomans to look for nummies on the cinema's sticky floors (so much gud stuff down there!) when I seen my first and only movie... JORJ LUKASS'S THE FANTUM MENUS!

The movie's about this frog-rabbit guy named Jar-Jar Binks who, on the run from some "bombad baddies", meets up with a pair of borin' city boys on Spring Break. The whole movie hinges on whether Jar-Jar can loosen their underoos up and teach them how to party!

And, a-course, there's a subplot where Jar-Jar is gunna have to get a job at like Walmart or somethin' or his Mama (I glued a picture of her but-her-face up above) is gonna kick him out of Atlantis! So, like, Jar-Jar has to teach his new friends about how to party, find a job, and make us all laugh in one movie! He's a great comedic actor-- like Adam Sandler but with less of a Jewy voice!

We've all been there (points above with claw) haven't we fellas? One second you're wanderin' around the power station and, before you can say "don't chew on that", you're buddy is burnt blacker than a black thing. Lucky for Jar-Jar, he's a profeshunal acter and he knows wut he's a-doing!

At supper, Professer Liam Neeson is all hoity toity cuz Jar-Jar is tryin' to entertain some like poor trailer park family with his awesum possum tung tricks! Ah mean, wut's the point of havin' a tung like that if'n ya ain't gonna use it to entertain. The next part I kinda blacked out cuz on account of mah o-possum diabetes and didn't wake up until mah mama stuck my face in a tub of not yo cheese! I love not yo cheese!

IT MAKES ME WANNA DANCE! This one time me and mah buddies was at Wal-Mart and like mah buddy Franklin (he's a turdle) got ran over by one of them scooters with the big persons on 'em but he were all right cuz he's a turdle. He got a cash settlement for like cash money, so we thought we'd start having these "axidents" more often! Stupid hyoomans! That's how I got this cushy job! The internet boy stepped on my tail! Wait...what was I s'posed to be a-doin' again? 

Coulda swore I wrote it down on mah hand...

So, like, Jar-Jar meets like this city girl Princess Natalie Portman and she's givin' him the old Eskeemo shoulder and Mr. Long-Ears is playin' it all cool! I'm pretty sure he ends up with Natalie Portman in the next movie, but I never did done seen it cuz on account of mah bein' a o-possum. BUT, I herd there is like five more movies, so I'm sure he'll get her in the end...

In the next wacky scene, Jar-Jar finds himself on like a battlefield, on the green grassy fields of Iraq, and he like single-handedly wins the whole shebang in a funny way. I mean, people die, but that's like war and stuff. Good thing Jar-Jar is there to keep everything funny cuz the last thirty minutes of this movie were a little too smart for this ol' o-possum.

The movie ends with Jar-Jar teaching his friends how to have fun ('cept for Liam Neeson who gets burnt to death for some reason), saves Atlantis from Obama, and reunites with his Mama who tells him he prolly got a future politickin' in Washington. I'm sure he don't like doom everybody to bein' ruled by an evil old and stuffy white guy-- he's a Republikan and Republikans work for us (o-possums included). I'd reckon-mend this movie to just about anyone out there that loves a gud comedy.

EDITOR'S NOTE: A BETTER REVIEW

SORRY FOLKS! TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!

We're attempting to reach into the ether to retrieve this week's posts but the two opossums we acquired are positively charged. Until we can acquire a negatively charged opossum, from my cousin Skeeter, we will be unable to produce any quality blog entertainment (because, excuse me Princess, but you try and make a blog without using marsupial magic to manipulate your mind from behind the veil of time and space) and you should expect a similar shortage for at least a week. Sumimasen.

P.S.  We will temporarily feature articles with what opossumable energy we can create, but don't expect us to entertain you...ever. Here is our new blogger, Mr. Mumble. I think you'll be in for a opossumable adventure!

"WANNA PLAY A GAME?!"