MIXED BAG. MICHAEL BAY'S TMNT TRAILER RANT.

MICHAEL BAY'S TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TRAILER!

Michael Bay simultaneously ruined Transformers and made it bigger than ever. That bothers me, but it doesn't personally ruin my childhood or adulthood. I only like Transformers.

But I love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I had action figures, VHS, video games, clothing, books, and so much more merchandise based on the original film trilogy and cartoon show. My favorite turtle was Mike, but Don was a close-second.

When I heard Michael Bay was set to direct TMNT, I hoped it was one of those rumors we here every day on the internet. I hoped it wasn't true or it would fall apart in pre-production. I hoped the rumor would die. Instead, more and more evidence turned the rumor into fact. I braced myself for the worst...

My reactions to the rest of the news?

Megan Fox as April O'Neil? Kill me now.

I like William Fichtner. But why is he playing Shredder? Are there no cool Japanese actors out there in 2014?

Motion-capture? C'mon! The original films are beloved because of their use of puppetry and practical effects. CGI turtles are going to look stupid.

They look kinda stupid. They look more like a franchise ripping off the Ninja Turtles than the Turtles to me. The original franchise had simple character designs with simple elements to separate them-- the colors of their masks, slightly different skin tones, and different weapons-- and that was probably part of the charm. They weren't covered in a bunch of garbage and other accessories. They were defined by their actions and words rather than their appearance giving away their personalities.

They look like giant green babies mixed with the goombas/koopas from the Super Mario Bros. movie.

But whatever...

Nothing I can say is going to stop people from going to see this film. I am probably going to go see this film in theaters. It will probably be a big hit and be followed up by all of the merchandise and sequels we can stomach. This is the world we live in. And sometimes it stinks worse than the Shredder in a trash compactor. But that's life... I guess I can still look forward to Guardians of the Galaxy.

P.S. There are probably things I like about this trailer. I'm just giving an approximation of a piece of me not evening wanting to look directly at the trailer out of desperation for it not to exist. An example of positivity? Leo looks pretty good. Unlike Mikey. Mikey looks weird.