Monday, April 18, 2016


It has been a long, long time since my last post. In fact, it has been about 6 months since I've posted anything or uploaded any videos. Not to bring things down too much and I don't want to get too personal with my own drama (mostly because my life is pretty good), but I feel it will help to share a little bit with my readers (hey, thanks for checking out my article!).

I am writing this off the top of my head and I might do a video about it later...

I am not exactly sure when it started, but I would guess that about six month ago, I experienced the most overwhelming mix of anxiety and depression that I have ever experienced in my life. It started out with a feeling of unease and doubt that developed into helplessness and exhaustion (physical, mental and emotional) by Christmas and by Valentine's Day I was drowning in self-loathing, anger and an inability to enjoy anything like I normally would. It was about that point that I had several panic attacks and had to examine the root causes of these feelings.

For weeks, I went through the motions and fought the good fight. I even had good days. But the bad days were a trudge. I didn't enjoy movies or video games like I usually did. The new movies I had been anticipating for months underwhelmed me and I didn't turn on my consoles for weeks. For every ounce of creative effort I put in, it felt like I was only producing at a fraction of my normal quality and quantity. It is why I just stopped blogging without a word of explanation. Every week I felt like even my favorite tasks were exhausting. By the time Sundays rolled around for my weekly table top gaming session, I was too drained to properly GM with the same gusto that I usually enjoyed. Every conversation and activity that I usually relished was instead accompanied by this bitterness that came out in the form of complaining.Eventually, my friends and family could tell that something was off.  I couldn't sleep. I couldn't be productive. I couldn't even be. I was depressed.

Sometimes I felt happy but most of the time I was angry, sad, or just tired

I was in pain. I was numb. I was filled with angst and ennui. I jokingly called it "punk ennui" but the joke was that it was killing me.

After winter passed (and perhaps winter was partly to blame), I started feeling better and I'm glad to say that for the last couple weeks, I've begun to feel like myself again.

I can play. I can write. I can...

Before I finish the subject, I want to add something:

Depression and anxiety affects us all. For many, the struggle is chronic or even daily. My biggest takeaway from the experience is that when people suffer from this negativity, they don't always communicate it. It took a while for people to realize I wasn't well. I didn't want to admit it to myself or them. I wanted to maintain control or some semblance of control.

But I didn't really start to get better until I started talking it out with trusted friends and family. Their advice, their company and especially their patience helped me dig myself out of the ditch. Anxiety and depression almost always have physical, mental and emotional elements. For me, I believe that my work hours mixed with the weather contributed heavily to my issues but confronting some of the problems, with the love and support of others, really helped me out.

My advice when dealing with depression or those with depression is to strive for the same virtue I usually champion. Patience.

Listen to people, try to understand them, give them the benefit of the doubt, give them your forgiveness and give them your time.

A little kindness goes a long way.


So, now that I'm back to being me, what have I been up to? I am working my retail job for the time being but mentally prepping for a change. I am going to Universal and Disney next month. I have been gming Force and Destiny (a Star Wars RPG) and working on a homebrew sci-fi game setting codenamed "Hyperdrive" with my friends Kyle and Sarah. My own 5e Cleric Geth Dawnbreaker hit level 20 and we're approaching end-game in that campaign and I started playing my first evil player character, a catfolk with dwarfism and a naruto-worthy sad backstory. I'm having a blast playing through Fallout 4, so I can get to the rest of my backlog (Twilight Princess and Phantom Pain are next!) and I'm heavily anticipating Overwatch. I am still playing the crap out of League of Legends, collecting Amiibos, love Pokemon and Nintendo, binging on Netflix and watching anime. I'm currently watching The X-Files, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Himouto! Umaru-Chan:

Which may or may not be related to a new weekly blog format about my attempts to reenter and go deeper into the anime fandom this year...

Anyways, I have returned.

No comments:

Post a Comment