ATTACK OF THE CLONES IS BESTER MOVIE!
HELLO BOYS! I'M BACK! [and I lurnt editing!]
truthiness
1. I may still be an o-possum.
... but the rotten popcorn I founded and then I eated on the floor that put me in a year-long o-possum coma has passed and I'm ready to be put back in coach!
It was mah first Spring. Well, first Spring I remember on account of mah selective memory disorder. Anwho, it was Spring and the pungent stench of amore hung in the air like the horsie flies that buzz around Meemaw's dumpster. And I was in love with a girl...
...and her name was "concession stand". Mah heart glub-glubbed like movie butter being slowly poured over hog-quality corn pop and mah eyes spinned as they followed the spinning pumpers of the slushy slush machine. I had disguised mahself in a itty bitty trench coat I stoled off a stupid teddy bear, a fedora I stoled off a beardy coffee smirker, and sunglasses I stoled off a cane man and then I snuck past the ticket meister and tried mah hand at gettin' some snacks. Alas, much like mah love of the junk yard doggie that chases me every Thursday night, they wasn't having it. The concession's monster telled me that mah monies wasn't good, recognizin' me I spose, and chased me with a broom. I scrambled like eggs into the nearest movie chamber and watched the second movie I ever seen.
As I crawled between veragross vein coated legs and I think a human kidney, I arrived just in time to see the film's pro-tagonist try and kill an evil liberal-terrorist politician princess with a giant earth worms. Unfortunately, her boyfriend, with an awesome rat tail, hopped into the room and with his light sword cutted them.
The two samurais then chased some ugly lady in their car birds until she got shot in the face by the film's pro-tagonist cuz she was gonna tattle! WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER FACE!?
But anywho, you may be asking, who is pro-tagonist? He is a mix between James Bond, Iron Man, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. He is a total badass super hero who fights samurai and blows up rocks and fights more samurai! He looks real cool, prolly would grow a bitchin' mullet (but his helmet won't allow it) and is probably like what would happen if Texas Walker Ranger and Batman had a baby! He is the only dude bad enough to save the space president!
You will believe a man can fly!
Jar-Jar Fett is the bestest super hero of all time. Period.
And he is like the best Dad. This is a Father-Son road trip movie about a space man and his space son riding around in space and doing space stuff. Jar-Jar Fett's son Bobby Fett is pretty cool-- he likes space NASCAR, he eats his vegetables, and he probably would kick mah butt at arm wrasslin'-- and he is a chip off the old block.
In fact, all of his sons are chips off the old block. Cuz we find out that the space samurai Ben Kenobi finds out that these space Q-Tip people are cloning soldier babies from Jar-Jar Fett's nards to fight against the Space Commies. Ben Kenobi thinks this stuff is pretty cool and then tries to warn Kermit the Frog about it, but when he sees Jar-Jar Fett he tries to get his autograph but Bobby Fett has a space pee-wee football match and then they gotta hustle.
A badass fight ensues.
Ben Kenobi is all like, "you're going to space jail after I get mah autograph!" And Jar-Jar Fett is all like, "get off mah back, government! I didn't elect Space Obama!" It is awesome and the Q-Tip people are all like probably just watching with their stupid eyes and heads are splodin' and then Jar-Jar Fett and Bobby Fett got away. And then...um...
Well, I guess there was also like a love story between Princess Diana and samurai prince Annie. It was super real and he talked about sand and stuff and whined and cried and got mad about his boss and laughed at gay robots. And his mom died. And...um...
...and then Kermit the Frog was teachin' some kids how to swing their light swords and then Annie killed a bunch of Sand Terrorists for Murica and then they got in a boat and then they got married and then they went to a car plant and then they got McDonald's and then they went to a bug world and then they watched Gladiator and then robots and Jar-Jar Fett showed up and fought a bunch of samurai and his clones and then--
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
This ain't supposed to happen! Space Obama killed Jar-Jar Fett and cut his head off with his giant purple light sword and the space samurai are fighting the robots and his other sons don't even notice and then Bobby Fett picks up his head and is all like.... WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME DADDY!! ME AND MAMA WOULD'VE SHARED THE DUMPSTER! WHY?!!?
